Quality Time
by RamenKitty
Summary: SURPRISE UPDATE! Sherry and Natalie learn the magic of "Safe-Rooms" Alan and Kyle-the-hero-theater employee learn about Romero zombies, and CANADA! Will the Birkins EVER make it to the movies? will the madness ever end? MOST LIKELY NOT!
1. What's a female Doggy called?

This was just a really cute story idea that I came up with (On a whim) at work.  Marking my return to RE fanfiction! (Triumphant noises) I know, I know its not Twilight.  Bear with me; it's a cute story just in time for the holidays.

Disclaimer: Resident Evil does not belong to me, it belongs to Capcom.  Those magical people who brought you MARVEL VS. CAPCOM! Go play it! Now! I command you! Especially MvC2! With JILL VALENTINE!

----------------------------------

Christmastime at the movies

            The sentence conjured large crowds, bright lights, and long and unforgiving lines for William Birkin.  Having lived in a large city for most of his life (And gone to the movies for even longer) He was used to large movie crowds, difficulty in line-and long snack bar waits.

            He turned to Annette, who was busily flipping through the movie Showtime section of the paper.  The world whizzed past them in a great blur of Technicolor lights, sounds, and images. 

"So." She licked her finger to turn a page, frowning at the newsprint, "This is our FIRST outing as adults that does not involve either Umbrella, a hospital trip-"

Their eyes strayed to the back.

A semi-large two-year old studied the world with wide blue eyes.  Her head was covered with tiny whisps of blond fuzz-done up in two very tiny ponytails at the sides of her head.

"Or anything remotely like getting supplies." She continued, "What do you want to do?"

            "Popcorn?"

"Yes. Sherry." Annette sighed, "popcorn.  Mommy and daddy will get you popcorn.  When we get to the movie theater."

            "Okay mommy."

"Are you excited?" William had been trying to engage his daughter in conversation every day for the past week-fulfilling some of his duties as an absentee father.  The "Forced" Week of vacation from Umbrella, in honor of Christmas couldn't have come at a worse time for his Research.  However there was that NASTY little habit of people tending to have nervous breakdowns, and William Birkin had to admit that for the first time in his life, he was close to one.  Damn.  He was getting old. 

            "I like movies." Sherry said, "Sherry likes popcorn at the movies."

"We get the popcorn comment." Annette growled.  William pulled their Sedan into parking space-far from the lights and blaring Christmas music that seemed a perminate fixture at ANY mall…

            William ignored the women in his life and stepped out of the car.  The night air blew chill down from the mountains, the entire area smelled like burning Christmas trees, the deep thoughtful quiet of winter would descend soon-leaving Raccoon and Umbrella in a thick blanket of snow.

            "I wanna see SANTA GOES TO HOLLYWOOD! " Sherry launched herself at William and latched her arms around his neck. He grunted, lifting her to his shoulder.

"No." Annette's voice was firm, "The paper gave it a DOG review." She smiled, sweetly at Sherry, "Do you know what a Dog is?"

            "Mommy!"

William snorted with laughter.  Annette shot him a furious glance before stalking off.  He sighed and followed after her.

            "Daddy?"

"Hmm?"

            "Isn't mommy a mommy doggy? Just like you're a daddy doggy?"

"Sherry-I'm a person." William frowned.  Was this some sort of game?  What the hell had Rosa been teaching her? , "You're a little person and Mommy is a person."  

            "I know daddy." Sherry sighed, impatient.  They reached a set of stone steps and William had to step carefully over them.  The area was filled with teenagers, parents, and all manner of life forms.  He dimly spotted Annette standing in line.

            "It's a game.  Rosa and I were pretending to be Doggies, then kitties.  Then she asked me what kind of animals I thought that you and mommy would be.  I said Doggies."

"Ah." He frowned, "Honey, when you call mommy a mommy doggy- it's the same- as well calling them a very nasty word."

            "What?"

"Well…" He frowned. _Dammit, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with bad words until she was TEN at the least… _ "Female doggies are called Bitches.  And that's a derogatory term."

            "What's Der-dog-a-tory?"

"Never mind." William shook his head and put a hand on Annette's shoulder.  The line was thick with people and chattering voices.

            "What movie'd you get tickets for us to see?"

"Santa-Goes-To-Hollywood." Annette said through clenched teeth, "But the MINUTE we get home-we're going to go get a babysitter and go see Love Actually!"

            William smiled, "Fine with me."

"YAY!" Sherry lept from his shoulder to her mother, "SANTA! SANTA!"

"Ack!" Annette struggled briefly; her daughter's arms latched tight, "Get-off-get-off!"

            "Mommy! I'm sorry I called you a bitch!  I didn't mean too! Daddy said it was bad but it was only a game and I'll NEVER do it again cause its-bad!" she sniffled and leaned her head against her mother's shoulder.  A teenager behind them snorted, hearing the "B" word.  

"Bitch?" Annette's eyes widened, "Where DID she learn that word William Darling?"

            "Lets um-go inside." William pointed at the door.  A weary looking girl in a theater Uniform stood at attention beside a black post. 

"You wanna give your ticket to the nice man?" Annette set her daughter down and handed her a child's ticket, "and get directions while mommy and daddy get in line?"

            "I'm a girl." The ticket taker said.

"My apologies." Annette said Sarcastically, "I had no idea." 

            "Annette."

"First door on your left side." The girl said, taking Sherry's ticket, "Oh ho.  You're gonna go see SGTH?"

            "Problem?" Annette asked, "Why? Aren't there seats left?"

A line was beginning to form outside.  The Ticket Taker ran a hand through her short hair and shot Annette a look of pure venom.

"Oh no ma'am." She smiled, her teeth glinting, "It's a VERY popular movie." 

-------------------

A/N: Very short.  Next chapter coming shortly, this is a side affect of working in a movie theater people.  YES people who were either in a major hurry or just general assholes have called me a man.  You meet all kinds…


	2. The Snackbar of doom

Chapter two of warm fuzzes! Does anybody like the title? I think I'm playing to a very select crowd here.  Don't worry, I've actually started chapter 11 of twilight! Go me! 

-------------------

When confronting something beyond the means of human comprehension-one attempts to rationalize the situation.  It's a defense mechanism, if you cannot understand the image (usually if the image is too horrifying to understand) then the image is rationalized and placed into a context that is somewhat understood by the human mind.  It can happen quiet suddenly, almost instantaneously, and in any situation.

When William Birkin, Microbiologist, Biochemist, boy genius-saw the line for the Raccoon City Movie Theater snack bar-he dimly perceived a long-drawn out nightmare of parenthood-seen from afar.

Annette, saw a headache waiting to happen. 

Sherry, being two, saw popcorn.

"POPCORN!"

            She dove for the nearest batch on the floor and William had to grip her around the shoulders and pull her up to eye-level.

"Sherry." He said, "Do you remember the talk we just had about human's not being animals-"

            Two adults-both in line wielding small humans-were now screaming at each other.

"I TOLD YOU-YOU CUT IN LINE AGAIN AND I'M GETTING THE MANAGER."

"Oh why don't you just –shut the-fuck-up-"

The punch came out of nowhere.  The second adult-his son screaming in terror-slammed into a wall of pre-stocked popcorn bags-spilling popcorn everywhere.

            "Popcorn!"

"Oh dear god…"

"I'm sorry dear." William put Sherry down; "Apparently there are animalistic moments in human nature."

            A tall man in a suit came bounding out of a red door beyond the patron's field of vision.  A girl (This one with somewhat longer hair done up at the back of her head) jogged around the other side bolting through the lines of panicked peoples.  

"Well." Annette said, her voice dry, "This explains why you like to stay in your lab William dear."

Two other theater employees-who were helping to haul up a gigantic stand-up for some new movie-dropped what they were doing.

            "JEN! NICK! " A blue shirted guy peered over the edge of a far off balcony, " GET THE FUCK BACK HERE-"

The stand-up went crashing down.

"NEXT!"

            William blinked.  He and Annette herded Sherry foreward amid the glares of the rest of the patrons for holding up the line.  He frowned, turning to face a bleary-eyed snack bar attendant.  The floor beneath her was a mass of broken kernels-spilt liquids, and broken red boxes apparently given to children.  Her Santa Hat hung askew on her head-her shirt had a dark stain that covered her lower abdomen down to her pants.  Her fingers were covered with (from what William could see) tiny paper-thin red cuts.

            "Hi sir." She said, her voice strained, "What can I make for you today?"

"POPCORN!" Sherry grinned, "Large?"

The girl looked up, "That okay?"

A scream bounced off the high vaulted ceilings as another blue-suited assistant manager joined the fray nearest to the snack bar table.

            "Some people." A teenager muttered, "Don't know when to quit."

            "Is this what regularly happens?" William asked, "I mean-is this-" he gestured helplessly at the fight and the long lines at the snack bar.  

"Sir, you would not believe it if I told you." She stepped quickly across the fields of broken kernels and filled a blue bag of popcorn to the brim, quickly handing it off to Annette-who grabbed it quickly.  She then dove behind the soda fountains and began filling drink orders.

"EXCUSE ME!" A large woman bustled foreward wielding a broken drink, "I NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE!"

            "Did someone spill it ma'am?" The girl handed Annette a small sprite and William a Large Cherry Coke.

"Daddy-"

"Jesus." Annette stared back at the line that was progressively getting longer, "I don't think we need to come back and see a movie."

            "What?" William shifted Sherry to his other side; "You think we should have dragged Sherry into a Rated R movie?"

"All I am saying is-I wanted a nice quiet evening-to spend some time with you-"

"Daddy?" Sherry asked quietly, "Daddy?"

Both parents ignored her-nothing unusual about that.  The snack bar attendant had moved on to take more drink orders.  Sherry-had had enough. 

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDY!"

The snack bar attendant froze.

The people behind them froze.

The ticket taker-in the middle of another biting retort froze.

The gentlemen engaged in the fight froze.

            Sherry affixed her father with a stare he'd used on employees who had behaved badly, or simply not met his expectations.

"I want a soda. Now."

            "What-what-what-kind?"  The snack bar attendant dropped the smaller sprite-the line remained frozen, although it was now proceeding in an orderly manner.  The manager was breaking up the fight quietly now, the two gentlemen shaking hands and apologizing.

"Um…coke?"

"Su-Sure." 

She handed Sherry a small coke pointing slowly down to the end where a large African American boy waited to ring them up.

"En…enjoy your movie."

            The line continued behind them as the cashier looked over their items.

"Any candy today?"

"No."

            "Are you-"

"No."

            "But-"

"Look. " William said patiently, "If she said no candy, then she meant no candy."

            "Got it." The cashier peered at the items again before clicking a few keys on his register, "Its gonna be 23.50."

Annette and William's mouths dropped open as Sherry climbed down from her father's arms to the floor where she picked up the popcorn bag and headed over to a dispenser reading, " butter"

            "Twenty-three fifty."

"Yes."

            "There's got to be some mistake."

"A large drink, an extra-large popcorn, two medium drinks, one small.  That's 23 fifty."

"Dear…holy mother of god…" Annette grabbed a box, "This had better be the best damn tasting popcorn EVER!" 

            "Do you take Debit cards?" William asked, biting his tongue.  He handed his Umbrella ID to the young man who walked across the snack bar and scanned it.  

"Please imput your pin number."  He shoved the keypad at William's face, "And I'll print you out a receipt." 

He typed in his number quickly, his fingers used to dealing with keypads and such.  The man dropped the pad onto the counter and handed him a receipt before shoving him off away into the bowels of the theater. 

            "She said first door on the left." William hoisted Sherry to his shoulder, "Which way?"

"That way."

Now, unbeknownst to the Birkins, movie theaters are notorious for two things:

1-making the smartest people stupid

2- being incredibly hard to navigate.

            The first kicked in as Annette-loosing her sense of Direction from the snack bar melee headed towards the right…

-----------------

The Birkin's are lost in the movie theater! What shall they do! I promise it'll get funnier.  I love torturing this family. ^_^ 


	3. Interlude: Violet, Peanut, and the myste...

Chapter Three of Quality Time! I'm going to wrap this up and get back to serious stuffers shortly.  I have a Wesker/Claire fic on tap, and I'm going to finish Twilight.  I also have more Birkin stuff coming. ^_^ 

WARNING: shameless portrayals of many fanfiction writers in this story! I give due credit where credit is due. 

-------------------

When we last left the Birkin's they were lost in the movie theater…

--------------------

"GET BACK HERE WITH MY SOCKS!"

            Annette froze. 

A Slim girl was jogging after a boy with short black hair and laughing green eyes.  He held a pair of socks with tiny dots on them.  He laughed-turned around-and ran smack dab into William Holding Sherry.

Popcorn went flying everywhere.

            William twisted his body to the left to protect Sherry and managed to Elbow the young man right in the armpit.  He squealed-dropping to the side and rolling away toward a double set of red doors.

"Popcorn…" 

            The girl reached them, panting.

"Sorry-where'd-the-wanker-go?" she stared at William-her eyes going wide.

            "What is the meaning of this? How dare you-"

The girl ignored Annette Blatantly, raising a hand to help William up.

            "I'm Violet, sorry about that.  I'm going to fucking kill him." 

The aforementioned "Wanker" was lying dazed next to a pair of double doors.  A theater employee wearing a gray uniform with black pants was staring down at him.

"Can you move him?" he gestured to the boy, "I have to get back into the trash room." 

Violet nodded once, grabbing the boy by the collar and heaving him to his feet.

            "Hey-Violet…"

"Don't you "Hey violet" me Peanut." She growled, "GIMME BACK MY SOCKS!" 

"I just was borrowing them." He handed them back, " I thought my girlfriend would wanna see what awful taste in clothing you have."

The Birkins watched in surprise as Violet grabbed the trashcan and proceeded to stuff "Peanut" into the trashcan.  The theater employee let out a shriek. 

            "Sorry about that." She smiled at William, glowing, "He's an asshole."

"There's soda in here!" Peanut's muffled voice came out of the trashcan.

            "Can I pay for the popcorn?" She handed them a twenty and grinned again.

"And nacho cheese! Eeep! Violet get me out of here! There's nacho cheese in my face!"

            Violet kicked the trashcan and smiled once again.  

"I'm gonna need that back-"

            "Tell you what." She said genially, "I'll take it out, and then you can have it back okay?"

"I'm telling Dan about you!" the muffled voice came from within the trashcan, "EEEW! What the fuck is that in my pants? THAT BETTER NOT BE CHERRY COKE! Get me out of here violet!"

            "Hush now Peanut." She crooned, "I'll take you out in a minute."

Violet dragged the trashcan away with the theater employee following.

"That was…messed up."

            "Definitely." Annette got to her feet, "What does a piece of shit like this story belong in the RE section at fanfiction.net anyway?"

William frowned, "What?"

            "Never mind." She shook her head, "Come on-lets get-"

A Redheaded girl jogged up to them.

            "Sorry." She said quickly, "Have you seen a tall-semi brown haired chick with a boy black haired holding a pair of socks?"

"They went that way." The Birkins said collectively.  The girl looked, nodded, and took off in the direction of the retreating trashcan. 

            "Thanks." She smiled, "Violet! Wait up!"

"Now. Where's the movie?"

            "This way."

They stood before double doors, reading, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 24."

            "Obviously not." Annette said, "It must be-"

"Ooooh!" William grinned, "A new TCM! Sweet!"

            "Honey-"

William ignored his wife and child.  For a horror buff-a new horror movie represents a far nobler calling.

----------------

The shortest chapter EVER!

Thanks to Hello Captain, Shakahnna, and "PEANUT!" good ole' peanut.  We all love ya.  Especially when you're stuffed into a trashcan with nacho cheese in your face!


	4. Meet Natalie Wesker, now run for your li...

Chapter four of "Quality Time" since the holidays are almost up-this story's running short! I'm probably going to stop at…well I'll let you guess.

Shakhanna- Noooo! I haven't seen that fan art pic! Can I get a link-link? 

WTF-this is just something to get the creative juices flowing.  Like I said, I have some more serious stuff I want to do. 

---------------

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 24: The revenge of Leather face.

Never mind that it came out before the remake (A/N: GO SEE IT! GREAT MOVIE!)  Never mind that it basically seemed to consist of the plot of Jason X-with an added dog, two love scenes between scantily clad scientists and their overseers, and a large "space cow"

William Birkin loved it.

            "YES!"

A head went sliding away down a gangplank.  He was particularly pleased when Leather face speared various victims with his chainsaw and a three-clawed "pronged" weapon that was supposedly used to clean up space dust.  He grinned-ignoring the tugging on his shoulder.

"Honey…"

Sherry watched the screen with wide eyes as a snippet of dialogue took place:

Matt: Hank. Don't go in there alone.

Hank: Oh damn it Matt, I know you slept with Sandra, and I know you sent her out to die.  I'm going in there to end this.

Matt: No. Hank.  Leather face was cloned using an embryo from a dead chicken-he'll peck you to death.

Hank:  Go fuck yourself.  And stay away from Michelle.  If you have another foursome with her and Trisha, Leon, and Ada then I'll cut off your head.

This raised many new questions for the inquisitive two year old.  Like her parents, she had a deep love for all things scientific, the pursuit of knowledge.  Now, she must find out what the words,"Slept with" "Foursome" and "Fuck" meant. 

            "Daddy." Sherry whispered, "What's a foursome?"

"William." Annette grabbed her husband by the shoulders and turned him to face her, "This story has no plot, no dialogue, and gratuitous sex."

William blinked, "So?"

            "So." She whispered, "ITS JUST LIKE YOUR BACHELOR PARTY!"

William froze and turned away from the screen.  The things that had gone on at that party would haunt him for the rest of his days…

"So." Annette said quietly, slipping close to him and whispering in his ear, "Unless you want me to reveal to you, in detail, what happened involving Sushi, The duck, and Wesker's shotgun-"

            "ACK!" William acquiesced, "But…honey Leather face was just about to-"

"Mommy! Those adults are hugging and kissing! And there's two more that are also hugging and kissing and what's-"

Annette grabbed Sherry in one arm, grabbed her husband's shoulder with the other hand, and dragged them forcibly from the theater.

------------------

"I thought she said that it was on the Right?" Annette peered about intently, scanning the marquees overhead, "Right and then first door?"

            "The first door on the right was TCM 24." William said mournfully, "In space no one can hear you scream…"

"You can go see it tomorrow." Annette peered at another Marquee, "What's this?"

They opened the door a crack, peering in expectantly.

------------

"Well. That was odd." Annette pulled herself out of the room, dazed, "Very odd."

            "How could daddy be up on the screen and down here with us? And why was Raccoon all infested with zom-zom-zom-"

"Zombies dear." Annette said quickly, "And those zombies were some of the WORST that I've ever seen! Poor form and color-not to mention that the idiot who made those zombies must have-"

            Annette rattled on for quite some time as William led his wife and daughter away from the movie so aptly titled, "Resident Evil Apocalypse." As it seemed to be doing so poorly in the theater that even he- (Die-hard see it twenty-seven times buy it on VHS and later upgrade it to the next level) fan that he was of horror-was vaguely repulsed. 

"Excuse me." Annette pulled a nearby theater employee to the side, glancing anxiously at her watch, "I'm looking for Santa goes to Hollywood-"

            "First door on the left man." The employee glanced over at William, as if he was mental, then, looking down at Sherry-he understood, "Ah. Yeah-did you get lost?"

HE did not bother to explain the universal law that all persons, personas, and personages entering movie theaters would go insane and begin searching vainly for their films until they asked an employee. 

            "Daddy what's fucking?"

William counted to ten and cursed his brilliant genes.  Were all of his offspring going to be cursed with inquisitive natures? 

            "Umm…" the employee looked nervously at the three of them, "I've got to get back to work-see ya."

He bolted back down the other way.

"To the left." Annette said, "Why didn't I think of it? To the FREAKIN' left-how could I have been so stupid?"

"Hi guys."

And Annette jumped.

--------------------

Now, many rumors have subsisted about Mr. Albert Wesker.  He has a wife, he has two wives, and he has a son, a daughter, and then some.  Since his family history is in such debate for historical scholars of all ages (AN: particularly those on Fanfiction.net -_^) we shall simply add yet another to his copious amounts of relatives. 

Natasha Wesker.

            Natasha's parents, family history, dislikes, and favorite color are unimportant.   What is important is that-for the weekend Natasha's parents (Who-lets say work for Umbrella too) dropped her off with her favorite Uncle Al. 

            "Uncle Al, when you clothes-line a guy like you did that usher-do you," Natasha held out her arm to demonstrate, "Make a fist like this? Or do you just open palm it?"

            "You make a fist-" Wesker held out his arm to demonstrate.  Passers-by looked at him confused, "And then you DRIVE yourself foreward and-"

"OOOMPF!"

William went down like a sack of bricks.

            "William!" Annette got down on her knees, "Darling are you alright?" 

"Did somebody get the number of that pick-up truck??" he warbled. 

He fainted again.

            "Hi Will! Hows it going?" Wesker hauled his friend to his feet and punched him jovially in the face, "I see ya haven't been taking those self –defense classes-"

"I was kind of hoping that when I turned thirty I wouldn't have to be beaten up by the older classmen…" 

            "Albert what gives you the right to keep beating up poor William?" Annette hugged her husband around the chest defensively, "I mean besides kicking him in the groin that time at the company picnic-"

"I DID not kick him!" Wesker growled, "Dumb fuck couldn't catch a pass-"

            "Why do you think I DIDN'T check that I was interested in secret service?" William moaned.  A passerby handed him a cup of ice and walked off.

"That's right! You know my husband has no athletic ability whatsoever!"

"Hey!" 

            While the adults were arguing, poor Sherry toddled off towards Natasha, sniffling mournfully.  Natasha, being a Wesker and DAMN proud of it, glowered at the weakling.

"What's the matter with _you? _"

            Sherry looked up; "My mommy and daddy were going to take me to a movie, now they're arguing with your daddy."

"He's not my dad." Natasha looked thoughtful, "Although I have wondered cause he was pretty close to my mom-"

Sherry began to sniffle. 

            "Eeep! Okay, okay, look-lets uh-go find your movie?" Natasha glanced down to the left, "And then will you not cry? Please, please dear god don't cry…"

Sherry brightened, affixing Natasha with one of her mother's patented evil glares before following her merrily into the darkened movie theater.

-----------------------

"…And THAT'S why I didn't let you out into the dog-pen."

            William, now holding the cup of eyes to his injured neck nodded.  Wesker folded his arms across his chest and stared Annette down lecherously.  All men in Resident Evil take classes in how to do it properly, so she squirmed under his gaze.

"Makes perfect sense I suppose." He gasped, "But _why _did you clothes-line me?"

            "Oh. I was showing Nat how to-" Wesker peered to his left then looked up confused, "Well shoot-she was here just a second ago-"

Natasha Wesker and Sherry Birkin were both missing.

"Sherry!" William and Annette cried simultaneously.

            "Dammit." Wesker put a finger to his forehead, "Natasha must have led her off.  I'm sorry-"

"Don't be sorry." William grabbed his friend and forced him to look into his face, "help me FIND her."

Now, they were on the left side of the theater-just in front of a movie which (Sadly) was not the one they were looking for.  

Think kiddy movie

Think "Distraught parents"

And you get, Disney.

            Yes, a new movie had been added to Disney's endless barrage of frozen, beaming, smiles.  A new plotline, a new princess, a new storyline that would eventually be marketed to death, made into a sequel, and produced finally as a ride at one of their grandeous theme parks.  It did not need a name, but since Raccoon had been chosen as a "Test" screening-it was filled with…evil.

The doors to the theaters opened and thousands of screaming parents and children descended.

-------------------

A/N: There's chapter four! The above is a salute to horror movies with cheesy plots, lots ' sex, and lots of boom! Either violence caused by the characters (Wesker and his random clothes-lining of poor William) 

BTW-sushi would NOT be the food.  But I'll leave that up to your imagination.  The thought of William Birkin having an "American Pie" Bachelor Party amuses me to no end.  (Imagines Wesker hiring Leon and Chris to strip) oh man…I need to quit while I'm ahead…*beats brain* 

Anyway, Chapter five to appear like a random flash of lightning in a cow barn! 


	5. Wait, Wait SPENCER liked GIGLI?

Here's chapter five!

A/N: Smoosh hugs and such to Shady triple seven for the use of Alan and his mom (Its Clarice…I was very surprised to learn) Keep in mind Shady dear I'm using my imagination when it comes to how she and Wesker interact, so please don't hurt me!

Disclaimer: Resident Evil Does not belong to me-it belongs to a bunch of people that work in a major corporation who are all probably very rich…wait…that sounds just like Umbrella! Oh GODS! CAPCOM IS UMBRELLA! *Runs off screaming *

Wesker: umm… *stares off in the author's direction * Does anybody feel that we should tell her that this is just a fictional story?

*Mutters of dissent from various characters * 

Author: THEY'RE TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

Chris: that would be Starbucks-

Wesker: *gasps * YOU'VE DISCOVERED THE NAME OF MY SECRET EMPLOYER! *Launches self at Redfield * DIE!

Chris: EEP! *Flees * 

Author: start the story-QUICK!

--------------

Raccoon City Movie Theater 

"Alan…" Clarice patted her son fondly on the head, "Did you enjoy the movie?"

Alan moaned.

            "What? Didn't you like the fuzzy talking monkey? Or how about the Disney Princess -"

Alan shook his head.  Four and a half hours of Disney had reduced the once normal seven-year-old to a puddle of existence.  He leaned against his mother protectively, wondering as to her methods to keep going crazy. 

Clarice (Not being a fool) had brought along her Walkman.  She had enjoyed the four hours with song after song by Pink Floyd, The Clash, and Blondie along with a little white snake thrown in for spice…

"Hey Mom-isn't that dad?"

            Clarice smoothed out her short brown hair trying to shake off the psychotropic wonderland that was "White Wedding" when mixed with Disney.  Indeed, Albert Wesker seemed to be arguing with Annette Birkin and William Birkin…

_Hmm… _She held Alan back so that he wouldn't interrupt their conversation; _I thought those two never left the house…_

"Dad!" Alan squirmed out of his mother's grasp; "Mom went crazy and took me to a Disney movie! She's gone insane! Arrest her or something!"

Wesker blinked, "What the-"

Alan slammed into his father with the small force of a rocket.  Normally he loved his mom more that anything-but the very idea of dragging an innocent seven-year-old into _that film was horrible._

            "Arrest her! Murder one in the first degree! Attempted brainwashing!"

"Calm down Alan." Wesker got down on a knee and looked his son in the eye, "What happened?"

            "Mom tried to kill meeeee!"

"I did not." She patted Alan's head lightly, "It was just a Disney movie and there was no way-NO way-that I would have endured Santa goes to Hollywood."

            "We could have gone to see Texas-"

"NO." the response from both Wesker parents was emphatic.  

William (Still smarting from Wesker's attempted clothesline wished that he could be away from all of this, either in the lab or watching the very same movie.

"Albert-where's Natalie?"

Wesker grimaced, but ignored it.  Clarice was the only person that he allowed to call him by his thrice-damned first name.

            "That's what we were trying to figure out." William said, "Apparently SHE LED SHERRY OFF!" 

Clarice frowned, "What happened to your head?"

            "I had an unfortunate collision with a runaway truck." William grimaced, glancing over at Albert before continuing, "Look-Clarice we need to find-"

"Cousin Nat's here?" Alan asked.  He began to shiver, and ducked behind his father as the adults continued talking so that he couldn't see.

            Natalie was the grim ogre specter in Alan's life, the stereotypical "Evil Cousin" who would frequently make him the butt of nasty pranks and the perpetrator of all sorts of horrific crimes in the Wesker household.

Once, his mother had discovered a magazine in his room.  He had only agreed to hold it for Natalie because it had the word "playboy" on the cover and he had vaguely supposed it to have something to do with some sort of games.  She had taken it to his father, who had taken him aside and calmly explained that when he was old enough he'd get a subscription just like _his _father had gotten for him so there was no need to steal the issues out of the bathroom-

And when he'd tried to blame Natalie…

            Now that horrible witch (He had recently learned a new word from Tommy at School that would have described her perfectly starting with "B" and ending with the same suffix) was corrupting other innocents! 

He had to save Sherry.

However he was going up against some of the smartest-deadliest people in the world-

His parents.

_How to get Mom, Dad, Mr. Birkin, and Mrs. Birkin to look away? _

The only way he knew how.

            "FIRE!"

Alan screamed, pointed, and fled-taking off down the hallway.

All four adults-trained by society-looked.

            "Alan! There's no-" Wesker turned around first to discover that his son had vanished, "Shit." 

"Where'd Alan go?" Clarice was the second to look around, "Alan? Honey!"

"Now the three of them are lost." Annette threw up her hands, "That's great…"

"Actually…" Wesker's mind jumped to dirty awful places-until he was smacked back by his wife's hand.

            "No-fantasizing in my presence." Clarice was sweet, tractable, and a loving mother and wife.  She also had a temper to rival that of a water buffalo, and when her husband's fidelity was concerned her views were slightly to the right of Genghis Khan. 

"GET BACK HERE YOU LOUSY-"

            With the ease that only a Japanese anime character could muster, William Birkin reached out, grabbed the running girl by her collar, and pulled her into their conversation.  Apparently once again on the trail of one of her Friends, Miss Violet looked outraged for about five seconds.  Then she promptly melted into a happy-merry squishy puddle of helpfulness, and being royally pissed off.

"So you lost the kid." She said, after listening to William's explanation, "What's the problem again?"

            William's eyes narrowed, "Besides the fact that Sherry is a Tax-Shelter-and a beloved Tax Shelter at that-"

Birkin fans around the world groaned-realizing that he truly loved his daughter.

            "We want to make sure she's safe and okay."

Violet sighed, "What's…" She grinned at Birkin, "In it for me?"

            "Um…" Annette pushed her husband out of the way and stared the younger woman down, "How about walking away with all your limbs intact?"

"Excuse me?" Violet froze for about two seconds, then turned deadly, "Bring it you lousy-"

            "Ladies…" Wesker put an intervening hand between them, "Ladies, lets focus on finding the children hmm? Then we can have you catfight.  In a room, filled with mud-"

Wesker winced as his wife slapped him for the second time. 

---------------

"Santa?" Sherry sniffled, "Natalie Ma'am, you said you were taking me to my movie!"

            "I am." Natalie Wesker ran a hand through her hair and glanced around, "This is just a slight detour."

Natalie had insisted that they investigate a door that was close to the Santa Theater.  Sherry had waved mournfully at the marquee image of Santa Claus wearing sunglasses as Natalie pulled her by the hand into a mysterious door that, according to her, BEGGED to be investigated.

            They were now in a room above the theaters.  Strange whirring noises could be heard towards the left and right of them.  Posters were tacked all over the walls, and the entire area reeked of lived in sensibilities.  

"This must be where the theater employees live." Natalie said, studying the area, "What a dump."

            A thick gray _thing _was situated atop a nearby counter-followed by a large device that was covered with various numbers.

Sherry, being two and curious-had to investigate.

            "Ooooh…" she toddled over, "Buttons."

Indeed, the keypad was populated with shiny buttons.  She grinned and began pushing them at random; listening merrily to the tune she could now play.

"Natalie! I can play a song! Come hear!"  She merrily continued tapping buttons.

-------

-Down below in the theater offices

"What the…" Kevin, the erstwhile manager of the theater, frowned and checked the computer screen, "What the hell is that?"

            "Dunno." Eve delicately tapped at the computer, asking it what was wrong, "It looks like somebody's messing with the clock-in counter."

"What the fuck!" Kevin growled.  He straightened his tie and then loosened it again out of habit, "Do they think they're doing? That counter is supposed to be use sparingly! The Home office is going to have our heads!"

Both shivered instinctively.

For yes, the Raccoon City Pacific theaters, part of the pacific theater conglomerate-were- (known to them, unknown to the three scientists and a housewife lurking about within their walls) a part of the Umbrella Corporation.

            The Story was, that Lord Spencer (Long may he reign, as the employees said) bought the theaters after a bad night of gumbo and a screening of a movie called "Gigli." Nobody knew where this new movie had come from, but Spencer had apparently been so enraptured with the acting and the storyline that he decreed that his company must own a theater chain. 

The theater had found out after a letter had arrived in the mail-followed by a crack team of professionals who basically (In a very hard week of training which mostly seemed to consist of shooting weapons at moving targets, science, and learning to identify various large animals) they were decreed an official subsidiary of the Umbrella corporation.

And if they messed up (Fucked up, as the Rep had put it) Awful things were hinted at.  Something mainly to do with a video game plot and the word outbreak.  Perhaps it had something to do with that Morgan Freeman movie…

            "Go find out what the hell is going on." Kevin said thorough gritted teeth, "Now."

Eve nodded once.  She strode from the office, out the door-through the popcorn.  After tripping on the popcorn she headed into the theater with dark purposes on her mind.

--------------

A/N: Chapter five! Wooo! Now we know that Spencer's evil, he liked GIGLI! *screams in terror and dies* Poor Alan, now he's got Natalie and Eve to contend with…*evil laugh* 


	6. Its a Simulated case of writer's block a...

A/N: Here's chapter six! You know what's the best thing about these type of stories? Coming up with the titles!

Disclaimer: It's not mine, it's not mine.  I'm not obsessed! *Mutters darkly at all real life friends * grrr…

--------

There are moments in life when people take charge.

            Records of human beings who, when pushed to the final barrier-the last limit-break out of whatever shell they're hiding in, and do something extraordinary, and incredible.  This usually amounts to growing up, or changing in some specific way after an event.  It is as Hemingway wrote, "I don't think I'll ever be the same again."

In this case, Alan was the victim.

            "Excuse me." He approached a theater employee, "I'm looking for a teenage girl-well, and she'd be about nine-and a little girl-about two.  Um…I'm afraid I don't know what they're wearing-but I'd be happy to assist you in picking them out of a line up if you find them."

The theater employee looked at Alan.

Alan looked back at him.

"Look kid…" The man got down on his knees, the beautiful girl he was talking to giggle slightly and raised a delicate hand to her mouth, "Later, okay?"

            Alan's eyes narrowed, "I need to find them.  It's very important." 

"And I'm telling you to do it later. Or go talk to somebody else. Go bug Brandon, or Kevin in the office."

            "But- I need help now…"

"Here." The man grabbed Alan by the shoulders, "Allow me to explain.  _Fuck _Off.  Okay?"

Alan's eyes rose. 

            "And you listen to ME." He grabbed the young man by the collar and squeezed, "My dad's a big important scientist with the Umbrella corporation and if I so much as _sneeze_ funny he'll jump on you and before you can say, "Fired" he'll have you green with six legs and tentacles. GET ME?"

The girl raised her eyes and shivered.  The boy gulped.

            "Umbrella?" He shuddered, "Su-sure.  Where-where do you think they might be?" he did not mention the fact that he was an Umbrella employee too.  It seemed best to do what the little boy wanted especially if his dad was one of those people who had the ability to make an average human being into a monster…

"Good!" Alan smiled jovially, "Sorry about that, but I really am worried about Sherry-what's your name?"

            The older boy winced, rubbed his neck, and muttered, "Kyle." 

"Cool." Alan's eyes narrowed at the girl, "Should he be talking to you?"

A nearby employee wielding a trashcan snorted. 

"Quiet Caroline." Kyle growled, "Now Kid-where do you think they could have gone?"

------------

Eve reached the doorway to the upper levels.

            _No signs of forced entry…hmm.  If it was a break-in…Dammit its probably just Larry or one of the other people going crazy with the buttons…_

"Hey! Now play the macarana!"

_Got you._

            "HEY! KIDS! STOP!"

Natalie and Sherry looked up.

"Something's coming up the STAIRS!"

"It's the monster!" Sherry screamed dramatically and pointed.  Natalie frowned, and turned to face the reader.

"Hey! You! In TV land!"

The reader- being understandably surprised; blinked at the screen in confused, mind-numbing terror.

"This isn't some kind of SD Perry novel!  The next time that –expletive deleted- author makes a –expletive deleted- book joke Hunt her down okay?" Natalie put her hands on her hips and frowned, petulantly, "I mean come on! This story is WAAAY better THEN THOSE PIECES OF-"

Two guys in suits popped out of the N-Dimensional space and stalked past Natalie, Sherry, and Eve-all of whom were stunned beyond belief.

            "There she is!" A gigantic Cat popped out of N-Space.  The words SD Perry flashed below her on the screen, "That's the woman who insulted my book!"

"She's been doing this for years." A gigantic rabbit wearing a flannel shirt said, "Look at what she did to STAR WARS!"

            "And Lord of the Rings!" said a gigantic mongoose, "My precious characters won't be the same after that dastardly mall trip!"

The author, being carried out on a gigantic one-dimensional N-space stretcher, grinned stupidly at the reader-who was still staring in blatant shock.

            "See what I have to deal with? Writers block is EVIL! And people demand more of the story!"

"Quiet you." Said the first one-dimensional cop, "And give credit where credit is due at the end! Otherwise we come back and bring purple monkeys."

The author whimpered.

--------------

Meanwhile downstairs…

"HEY!" Birkin jumped up and down, waving his arms, "I HAVE TO USE THE-"

            "William." Annette said, eyes narrowed, "This isn't the Sims.  You are capable of free will.  You do not require the author to direct you to use the-ahem-facilities."

Birkin nodded once and bolted towards the bathroom.

            "Where is the author anyway?" Clarice yawned, "She promised an update-we've been sitting in the movie theater so long that the movie's probably over."

-Evil cross-dimensional laughter is heard-followed by a voice squealing, THAT DOESN'T GO THERE- really, really loudly. – 

"I feel like something stepped on my grave and built a tiny model train set." Wesker growled, "When are we going to get moving!"

"The minute William comes back from the bathroom." Annette said.

But sadly, that was NOT TO BE!

*Evil theme music. *

For in the bathroom-as is custom in all RE games-there was a card game.  And William-being a mathematical genius and all around good guy-had decided to settle in.

"Give me two." He said quietly, "And poor another gin."

-----------------------

A/N: Sorry for the wait a bit.  Yes, this is the most random chapter I can think of-but people are demanding updates on all my fics, and I'm seriously writer blocking. 

Ahem.

SD Perry and George Lucas are great people.  REALLY great people.  They were represented along with JRR Tolkien.  No offense is met.

The stories quoted were 

"THE LORD OF THE MALL"- by RamenKitty. 

"THE MAGIC BROWNIES" –also by RamenKitty.

And while I recuperate in the N-space hospital, I advise you to read them ^_^ 


	7. Murder most foul?

Ahh yes. ANOTHER EPISODE OF QUALITY TIME! I know you're all thrilled. 

Jen and Shady- You two killed off characters! But I'm not mad *nods * I'm over it. Really  * twitchie * its just a story-I must keep reminding myself of this. *Nods, sniffles-prepares to build paper mache memorials * 

Special shout out goes to Jen and Shak and their sad lack of anime in…their little dimension. This one's for you guys. 

WARNING: the surgeon general has placed warnings on this chapter. Much Character death, random acts of violence, nudity, swearing, and random fluff within. You have been warned. 

-----------

In the spirit of blessed randomness, in the theater of no return there was a room.

And in this room was the manager of the theater.

            Now the theater manager has special powers.  They can order food-remove people from the premises-and generally are aware of everything that goes on within the theater's four walls. 

It also had the power to BANISH.

            Yes indeed-the theater manager is an omnipotent being with the powers of banishment.  Normally he just banished sad little thirteen year olds who attempted to sneak into rated R movies-but today he was feeling-EVIL.

He stood up, straightened his tie-and left the room locking the two terrified senior employees in behind him.

----------------

"Look-The kids are lost-and William hasn't come out of the bathroom-" Annette sighed, "Lets just get somebody out here to take care of this?"

            "What's the big deal about the children being lost?" Violet snickered, "I mean honestly-Sherry would be better off without knowing you were her mum-"

Silence.  Albert Wesker snorted-dropping his coke on the floor. His wife bit back laughter as she tried to remain serious.

"Miss snowe-the-the situation-*snort * is-well perilous-"

            "That's it!" Annette growled," BRING IT BITCH! I'm gonna open up a can o' whoop ass on your skinny English hide." Annette rolled up her sleeves, "bring it!"

Violet dropped open her mouth, "Um…um-uh-" she looked around frantically, "Anybody want to help with this?"

Patrons continued to go about their business.  Wesker turned to a theater employee wheeling a large tray filled with ice into the snack bar.

            "Aren't you going to stop them?"

"Stop what? A little action?" The theater employee shrugged, "This job does not pay well pal-I take pleasure where I can." 

            Wesker sighed, "Then-can I borrow your back room?"

The employee shrugged, "S'all good with me."

            Now, a little known fact.  Annette knew absolutely Jack-shit about fighting. The only tactic that the impressionable scientist had been able to glean-was left over from years of her brother being a rugby nut.  She hit fast and hard-and she was prepared to do so.

"LADIES!"

The lights dimmed.

            "Shit." A theater employee frowned, "I'll go check the breakers." He stood up from his seated position and picked up a gigantic axe from the counter.

"Um-Daniel-"

Daniel grinned, "rule one: Always go armed."

            "I was going to suggest that you get something bigger." The girl said.

"What's bigger then a fucking axe?"

            She reached under the counter and picked up a 357. Smith and Wesson. 

"You should be able to find some clips scattered around." 

Daniel nodded, "Right."

"Be back soon." He was obviously going to his death.

            She watched Daniel go for a minute and turned up the music on their private radio.  Normally theater regulations prohibited the use of personal music-but considering that two adults were about to go at it-the fact that Black Sabbath's Iron man was playing was pretty ace.

Annette frowned, "Where's the music coming from?"

Violet wrinkled her nose, "Why is that this is suddenly starting to sound like an American wrestling show?"

            Annette raised her head, "You got a problem with the WWF?"

Violet's eyes narrowed, "Ah William, if you could only see your wife now-"

"Annette-before you kill her-" Wesker appeared at Annette's side, "Lets MAKE IT INTERESTING!"

            "What the hell-are you wearing?" Clarice shrieked, "That looks like the outfit you put on that-"

Wesker drew his hand across his throat in a swift cutting motion.  He wore an all black suit complete with bow tie.

            "Ladies and gentlemen-boys and girls-you want it-you need it-LETS GIVE IT UP FOR VIOLET SNOWE!"

The snack bar's lighting suddenly illuminated violet alone-who looked positively paranoid and immediately curled up on the ground in a small ball.

            "In this corner-weighing in at-"

"WESKER!"Annette growled, "tell them how much I weigh and you DIE!" She grabbed the man around the collar, "Remember-I used to be a veterinarian-"

Wesker gulped.

            "UM…ANNETTE BIRKIN EVERYBODY!"

Violet curled tighter, "Can I send in a replacement?" she squeaked.

            "Oh for the love of…" Clarice had wandered to the back of the lobby to where the back room was, "Wesker-you didn't."

Wesker grinned, "Its my curse baby." He smiled widely, "I always carry it around with me."

            "I still wonder where you put it." She put her hands on her hips, "I mean-its so big!"

            "You can always find room-in your pants!"

Clarice frowned, "Yes-about that-where did you learn that trick?"

            Wesker sighed, "A young Lt. I knew back when I was in the army-"

Clarice pointed a finger at Wesker's chest, "wait-wait-you told me you joined umbrella at age eighteen-"

            "Army academy Sweets." Wesker sighed, "Named Coen or something. He was my senior. He could fit a whole grenade launcher into his pants without hurting his-"

"HOLD IT!" Clarice frowned and grabbed two children, looking imploringly at the reader, "THIS IS G-RATED!"

            "Not anymore!" Wesker grinned jovially, "because now its Annette vs. Violet in the match of the century-MUD WRESTLING!"

Violet's eyes widened, "Really?" she squeaked, "MUD?"

Annette whimpered, then bit her tongue tight enough to draw blood, "LETS GO BIEEATCH!"

            Violet smiled. She uncurled herself from the fetal position she'd been in and smiled again.

"You do know that I grew up in the country…right?"

She flung herself at Annette.

            The sheer force of her movement carried Annette across the room and smack into the cage.

American patrons-being American and being generally stupid-gathered like crows upon roasting flesh.

American one: ALL RIGHT! Two chicks going at it!

American two: IN MUD TOO! FUCKIN' A! 

American three: LETS CHANT ANNOYING THINGS ATTEMPTING TO GET THEM TO LOOK AT US AND BE SEXY!

American one: OKAY!

The three Americans began to chant obscene things they mainly learned from Austin Powers's movies.  Sadly all three of these Americans were women. God bless America.

Meanwhile!

--------------------

The manager loomed.

            A man and a woman were deep in discussion at a theater entrance.  The man was focusing intently on something that the woman was saying.  
"So anyway." She continued, "-That's what the hokey pokey's all about."

He nodded, "Of course."

The manager loomed over them.

            "Oh-my…" the woman looked up in terror, "Is anything wrong?"

The manager said nothing.

            "It um-am I doing something wrong?"

The manager remained silent.

            "Okay…" she looked up, "Never mind then. I'll see you later Brian."

The man nodded and looked up at the manager in fear, "Are you…okay?"

The man swallowed and nodded, "Sorry-I can't talk when I'm eating. It just ruins the food."

            "Its also-uh-rude."

The manager nodded, "Of course."

            "Any reason why you're here?"

The manager reached out with a ghostly hand and TOUCHED him.

--------------

Somewhere in Oklahoma City.

A young man typed on his computer.  He frowned-looking up in terror at the sky for a moment before settling in and staring at his computer screen.

            "What was I doing?"

The young man smiled to himself, brightly, "Ah yes! I was just about to kill off Brian Jackson-"

-------------

Returning to the RE universe…

Brian Jackson froze-his skin pale-his eyes glassy. 

            "Pretend I have a dark master to appease or something." The manager said to him, "Nice little trick hmm?"

The petrified body said nothing.  The manager looked sad for a moment.  The bad thing about the situation was that it didn't actually KILL off a person until his or her creator actually posted it and someone read it.  HE smiled. He and his compatriots made quite a killing off of randomly assaulting fanfiction characters and placing in the heads of their creators to kill them.  It was a good job.  Then they collected the souls of the characters….

He checked his list.

            "Ah! Three more in the premises." He smiled, "Wonderful! And the author's not around to prevent me!"

He folded his hands behind his back and moved toward the lobby.

------------------------

What is there to write about a fight scene?

            Someone's going to hit something-someone's going to punch someone.  Something may explode-someone may say something.  Violence is fun-really-REALLY fun to watch-but difficult to imagine without some sort of images.  The Quality time Characters had been studying their scripts for the past several minutes attempting to locate fight scene blocking and failed. 

            "Umm…" Violet bit her lip, "Random punch?"

Annette sighed, "Crying out now."

            Wesker frowned and re-read his lines, "there's no way I'm saying that." 

Clarice frowned, "What line?"

            "Never mind." He sighed, "Um-"some witty saying or other that would make me seem really badass."

            Clarice frowned, "I'll go with…a random remark about how Sherry and Natalie are still on the loose?"

Violet frowned, "This is difficult to follow-is this word, "Is" or "Was" 

            "Was." Annette nodded, "Um-I'll random punch now."

Wesker nodded, "Violet-you take 2+ damage." 

The Americans frowned, "BOO! We want to see some blood you weenies!"

            "Don't blame me!" Violet frowned, "There's no bloody fight blocking for this scene! Its like the entire page was torn out!"

"That would be my FAULT!"

The RE characters froze.

"Who-" Wesker coughed

"Said-" Clarice frowned

"That?" William Birkin looked up from his card game and wrinkled his brow, "That's not a legal hand."

            "Fuck you nerd boy." A Mexican woman wearing a black UBCS uniform said.  She tossed the cards on the table, "Remind me again why you dragged me into the guy's bathroom salven?"

            Ruben Salven smiled, "Well-I was thinking, Ruben, I said-"

"Finish that sentence." Cora pulled out a cell phone, "And I swear to god I'll wake up the author in Canada and have her kick your ass."

Ruben whimpered, "I'll be good."

            "Don't call me Nerd boy." William's eyes narrowed, "My intelligence is far greater then yours you…you-cretin!"

"Cretin?" Salven's eyes narrowed, "That's an interesting word."

            "That sounds like a Captain word."

William frowned, "Who's that? Sounds interesting."

"Friend of my author's. She's alright." Cora nodded, "Albeit slightly strange. But then again my author's no picnic either."

            "Right." Salven said, "Remember that time she threatened to castrate me if I didn't get into the scene and be normal?"

            "You were normal." Cora's eyes narrowed, "Normal for you is weird for the rest of the world."

MEANWHILE!

The three characters looked up and muttered in SIM like voices about interruptions.

-------------------

The lighting illuminated him alone.

" I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the writer's block that hinders the creative process! I am the broken pencil stub-the lost pen-the computer with a virus-"

"GET TO THE POINT!" the RE characters yelled.

"I…Am…THE MANAGER!"

Crickets perforated the theater-filled the theaters themselves-and caused all the movies to stop.

The manager sighed, "Oh for the love of-"

He held up something that looked like a ballpoint pen.

            "Is he going to do what I think he's going to do?" Violet raised her eyes in terror, "No-no-please-"

Annette frowned, "Wait just a second-what's he doing? What's he going to do-"

"Noooo! No! Not here! Please!" Violet scrambled back, "Shak! William! Shinji Mikami! Save us!"

            "Now hold up just a damn minute." Wesker growled, "What's he going to-"

"MANAGER-CORPORATE POWER-MAAAAKEEE UP!"

The room filled with bright lights and special effects.  The manager twirled around and flipped and did all sorts of pretty things-carefully hiding the wires that helped him transform behind the blue smoke.

            When he emerged-it was a thirty-year-old man-

"IN A SAILOR SUIT!" Wesker raised his eyes, "OH MY GOD! MY EYES! THEY BURN!"           

            Clarice screamed, "Albert!" her eyes cast upon the unshaved man legs and she fainted.

"HOLY JESUS SWEET MARY!" Annette screamed, "Help me!"

            Violet whimpered and curled herself into a fetal position.

"CORPORATE-REMOVAL-POWER-SCEME-ACTIVATE!"

Violet raised her head, "What?"

"CORPORATE-REMOVAL-"

" I heard you." She frowned, "you call that a sailor power? I mean come on! That's just sad. Like-majorly." She pulled herself into a sitting position, "I mean-please. At least include an element if you're going to dress like a puff and such you cretinous mass."

Somewhere, William Birkin added a new line to his list of insults.

            "Oookay." The manager sighed, "Fine, how's this?"

"CORPORATE WATER-POWER SCEME ACTIVATE!"

"Somewhat better!" Violet said, "But what does it-"

She froze.

----------------------

Somewhere in Scotland.

A woman looked up from her textbook.  The computer was just sitting there-idle-doing nothing.

"I think I'll kill off somebody today…" she put down the textbook in a trance, "Yes. Violet. Violet is interfering with study. Study is good…study is good…"

-------------------------

"Oh dear god!" Clarice pointed, "You-you-YOU TURNED HER INTO A STUDY ZOMBIE!"

Wesker frowned, "what? I must have missed the memo for that development meeting-"

            Violet remained curled into a fetal position-froze.

"Now you." The Manager smiled.

"SUPER FIRE DEATH BANISHMENT PUNISHMENT!"  A BIG RED BEAM OF SCARY LIGHT bounced out and hit Clarice.

----------------

Alan froze.

            Kyle turned around, "What's the matter kid?"

"I just felt a tremor in the force," he said, "as if millions of written voices cried out in terror-then were suddenly slapped with a lawsuit…"

            Kyle frowned, "Well fuck that. Lets go find them before Claire leaves."

------------

Somewhere in The United States.

A young girl looked up from the fridge.

            "Honey?" her mom frowned, "Hey- are you okay?"

She reached her computer just in time. She had to kill off someone. Someone important. Something…something…

-----------------------------

A/N: AHAH! The manager is loose! And he's a thirty-year-old man in a sailor suit! Mothers lock up your children!

The characters are in-DANGER!

The plot devices are WREAKING HAVOC in our favorite universe!

And the author's in hospital!

What will we do? 

Also. If you think I've been mean I'm sorry. Trust me-retribution is in order. 


	8. Movie Magic and its many abuses

Here's chapter eight friends! Hope you guys enjoy and are loving this as much as I do. ^_^ 

Chapter eight means plug-and the plug today is for…Resident Evil: The Insecurity of Evil! By Mr. Foulds *nods and bows * this dude's humor is just hilarious.  He takes RE-and without turning it upside down and adding many random cameos- (coughs and directs attention away from Quality time with Shiny things) He makes it both funny-and amusing! Go forth and read. Ramen commands. Now-back to our regularly scheduled programming. 

------------------

The manager stalked, the senior employee, (also called a "Chief") prowled-and Natalie and Sherry were right in the middle of it all.

            "You know." Sherry said, being a proper two year old, "There are lots of other movies that we could be seeing down here."

"You mean you want to forgo Santa goes to Hollywood?" Natalie opened her eyes wide and pretended to fake a scream, "Say it isn't so Sherry! The plot lines! The dialogue-the-"

            "Considering." Sherry said in the same voice her father would use when talking to employees who were about to suffer very painful deaths, "That The reader is most likely in the middle of March-we could forgo seeing a movie about Christmas."

Indeed-the patrons of that movie theater-forever stuck in the time warp that is fanfiction-were beginning to scream in abject and mortal terror.  IF you really want to torture someone, write them into a story and stick them in a very unforgiving place and forget about them for about…oh…9 chapters. Stir well and see what occurs.

            "YOU!" Nicole the senior employee reached the top of the stairs, "CHILDREN!" she hissed.  Well she didn't really hiss-she inhaled sharply which coming from a human could _sound _like a hiss if their teeth are closed-

"GET BACK TO THE STORY!"

            Ahem. Sherry and Natalie took one look at Nicole-who was beginning the transformation to bringer of pain mode- and bolted.

"Where-are-we-going?" Sherry was only two. Her legs were very small.

            Natalie considered locking the kid inside one of the many doors they saw along the way but shook her head.  Sherry was a plot device and a handy one at that.  Plus-Natalie had heard rumors that there were a few people attached to her.

"Natalie!"

"Um…" Natalie frowned, "Lets go this way?" she pointed down another hallway in the endless labyrinth above the theater.  Sherry bit her lip and followed.

---------------

Alan and Kyle found themselves outside.

            The outside of a theater is nothing spectacular.  A few dumpsters languished along one wall.  

"Um…"

Kyle's eyes narrowed, "What?"

Alan pointed to the third dumpster.

            It lay overturned on the side.  Excellently rendered in pixilated graphics, it was covered with bloody handprints and splotches-providing a suitably gothic environment for the characters to interact in. 

Kyle's eyes narrowed again then began to twitch uncontrollably, "Well-there's nothing new in that."

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…HHHHHHH

            A zombie wearing a theater employee uniform rose out of the trash shakily.  A second zombie, also wearing a theater uniform-climbed up as well.  This was followed by a third zombie-that of a young male-who exuded an air of evil and darkness about him-besides the fact that his face was rotting off. 

"Get behind me!" Kyle cried, "I'll fend them off!"

            Alan, being young-nodded once before diving behind the older boy.  Surprisingly-zombies did little to faze him.  They were a regular part of the world that he lived in.  His dad worked for mindless conglomerate bent on world domination and the death of all mankind.  His mom listened to heavy metal-and once waited in line for three hours in the rain-in full costume-to see Star Wars.

And every once in a while, a mindless corpse would shamble down the street.  No biggy.

            "Um…"

The first zombie HISSED. And darted foreward.  Kyle looked at Alan and Alan looked at Kyle.

            "Zombies…"

            "Don't…"

            "DART!"

"RUN!" Kyle grabbed the boy's hand and bolted for another door across the parking lot. 

            "Why-didn't-you-run-for-the-oof-theater-door?"

"Dramatic tension!" Kyle smiled widely, "First rule of living in a horror story kid. NEVER go for the obvious solution."

            Alan frowned, "why's that?"

"How else are you going to hold the audience's attention in between fan-service?"

Alan nodded, "Good point."

            The zombies began to run-sprint-after the two living corpses. 

"Hold it.  Hold it." The first zombie stopped and put its hands on its knees-ignoring the flesh falling from its bones, "Stop for a second."

            "What is it?" The non-theater employee zombie asked, "What the hell is slowing you down?"

"We're Resident Evil zombies Dumb-Ass." The second theater employee said, "We STAGGER. We do not RUN. Running zombies makes for bad press."

            The non-theater zombie wrapped its arms around its chest, "Please." Its eyes narrowed-the sudden muscular movement pulling the skin down off its forehead, "You don't run. But BOWS run."

"Do we look like we're BOWS!" 

            "Okay-okay." The first zombie frowned, "What, you want more of a Dawn of the Dead setting?"

"No!" The theater employees chorused again, "WE WANT TO STICK TO THE RULES!"

            "Don't start about that Resi-physics crap!" the theater zombie exploded, "What the hell do you think this is-a video game?"

Cars stopped in the street-an airplane stopped overhead and plummeted into the Raccoon City University-helpfully directing all the emergency personnel in the theater away from the area. 

A Japanese man, wearing all black and glasses-walked past, shook his head-and continued on his way.

            "Okay." The theater zombie muttered, "If this was accountable to the laws of Resi-physics then it would have had-"

Bright music, shiny lights, and doves (how they got them to fly in the dark a mystery) appeared out of nowhere.   A cop car pulled up revealing

            "Claire Redfield." The non-theater zombie muttered,"That's-just-fucking perfect."

            Claire Redfield stepped out of the car, struck a pose holding her shotgun, and aimed carefully at the zombies.

"Leon!"

            "Right behind you!" The Canadian national anthem began to play-

Claire paused, "What?"

The Canadian-

Claire shook her head; "No-no-Canada has no part in this. They are north of us. They don't have umbrella offices. They make syrup!"

            "Canada exports more then that!" Leon cried, "They also export redwood trees! Culture! English civilization and French Civilization! Plus-Toronto is a great place to film movies!"

A gigantic billboard advertising the RESIDENT EVIL APOCALYPSE movie crashed down somewhere across the street.

            "Uh-huh." Claire's eyes narrowed, "Still stupid."

Leon frowned, his face flushed, "Oh yeah? Well-well-you is ugly!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"PINK IS UGLY!"

"What was that?" Claire's eyes widened in surprise.  She turned away from the zombie threat and face d him, "What was that about-PINK?"

            "You." Leon folded his hands and stuck out his upper lip, "Heard me. Bitch." 

Claire let loose with a string of explanatives.  Somewhere, deep in the heart of the RPD building, Chris had a heart attack. 

Alan frowned and peeked his head out from the video store door.  The three zombies remained motionless-watching the gigantic blue and pink scuffle before them.  He took a few cautious steps foreward before standing right next to the female zombie.

"Hey."

"Sup."

            "Um…" Alan bit his lip, "What's going on?"

"Good guy spat." The female zombie pointed a finger at Leon-who had a large bloody scar running down one side of his face, "I guess cause this isn't anything offical they feel the need to-well-let it all out."

The words, "WELL AT LEAST I'M IN RE FOUR." Were yelled out, followed by, "ME TOO JACKASS!"

            "So…I guess there's a certain advantage to being evil?" Alan said, frowning.  He had always admired and respected the good guys.  They wore cool uniforms and they were the main characters-and they LIVED which was a big bonus…

"Well." The non-theater zombie said, "Being Evil lets you know where you stand for one thing. I'm evil. I harassed thousands of decent-hard working authors and made people cry!"

            "And now you're a sad little zombie with no life. Based upon a sad little dick with no life." The male theater zombie said, "Get used to it Peanut. You're gonna die a horrible violent death and burn in a flaming wreck of pain and misery."

The aforementioned, "Peanut" shook his head, "Yeah-well…well you're all going with me."

            "I'm already in hell." The girl zombie muttered, "Life is a dark abyss of pain and sorrow-filled with the weeping blood of crows…"

Alan began to back away, "Goth…Goth…"

            "And the shadows of the cross shall eat away at my vampire soul-and then…the sun shall come out and all the commercialism and fucking shall be made whole again…"

            "GOTH!" Alan screamed, "GOTH! GOTH! RUN! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!" he bolted for the door he had come out of as fast as his legs could possibly carry him. 

For there was nothing more terrifying then a Goth zombie…

--------------

Sherry and Natalie were in a large storage room. 

            "Look!" Natalie chorused joyfully, "A save room!"

Sherry frowned, "What does that mean?"

            Natalie smiled, "It means that the powers of evil are negated the MINUTE that we step into this room." She smiled widely and sat down against a large stack of popcorn kernels, "We're safe."

"Ohh…" 

            Natalie grinned, "See that box?"

She pointed to a large brown box in the corner.

            "That box is the KEY to the safe-room.  It's a "Save" box. Magically, people can put things in it and get them later." She grinned, "I put a playboy magazine in their once and it came out in the girls bathroom at school!"

Sherry shook her head, "Don't get it."

            Natalie sighed, "These boxes are mystical magic portals to another dimension! Discovered and cleverly marketed by Umbrella-these boxes provide the user with anything and everything that you put in them at any given locale and location!"

"Ooooh!"

That explained why daddy would go into HER room to get science notes that he'd said that he left at work.   And why mommy would go into her room to get copies of Cosmo.  In an effort to protect there offspring-the Birkins had installed one of these safe boxes in her room.

Which made in perpetually difficult to put clothes away…

Somehow, Sherry did not feel safe, even in a room like this.

----------------------

THE HOTEL LOBBY.

Mud was everywhere.

            Violet Snowe was curled up on the floor in a fetal position.  Annette Birkin was still staring in shock at the spot where the manager had been standing before.  William was still in the midst of playing cards.

Clarice…

            Clairice lay on the floor in a puddle.  Her skin pale-eyes glassy.  Her mouth hung open and she was babbling incessantly.

"Cheese…no…not…the cheese…no…no cheese…"

Wesker stared at his wife's immobile form.

            "This." He said in a cold, icy, calculating voice, "Just. Got. Personal."

---------------------

A/N: Aha. Chapter eight! And EARLY! I said I was going to update on Friday! I lied! I'm only going to update everything ELSE on Friday! Okay, so I had some free time and decided to churn out another pile of useless drivel. ENJOY! 


End file.
